Sometimes I feel entitled. Sometimes I feel "jipped", that bad things shouldn't happen if I have enough faith. I used to be surrounded with people who believed if you had strong faith, you could pray away anything. If you were sick, you should rebuke it and pray or fast and it would be gone. Prayer and fasting is good, but the problem with this mentality is you feel guilty and inadequate when you can't pray something away. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism, there were those who told me I needed to be praying, fasting and rebuking. All of which I did. Salem is still autistic. I was devastated. I became bitter, jaded, and angry with God. Why God? What am I doing wrong? Do I have weak faith? Are you upset with me? I became depressed because I was under that mentality that if only my faith was strong enough, I could pray away her autism.
Slowly, painfully, I have come to realize that God LETS us go through things. He let's us suffer sicknesses, infertility, unemployment, suffer the loss of loved ones, etc. The strength of our faith isn't the cause. But our faith can be strengthen when we walk through those hard times and rely on God to get us through. Which brings me to Mary.
Mary, the mother of our savior. Mary was so young when she was called to carry and birth Jesus. And she wasn't married so she couldn't hide her pregnancy behind her marriage and hope people assumed she was having Joseph's son. Nope. People would have to either believe it was immaculate or assume she was a skank. How hard was that? Why didn't God wait til she was married? Then the birth. Why did God not make sure she could deliver in a more comfortable setting. Nope. Here's a barn. Have the savior of the world next to the horse stalls, among the stench of barn animals. And then as we see Jesus in his ministry, we see Mary without Joseph. It's assumed that he passed away. So as hard as this woman's life has been, she is now a widow?!?! What's up, God? Why was Mary given hardship after hardship, all the way up to seeing her baby brutally nailed to a cross and mocked! There goes my sense of entitlement. God's love and promise was enough for her. She couldn't save herself from hardship or tragedy. But God saved her soul. He called her blessed among women. Wow. She even called herself blessed!! From an outsider's point of view, looking at her hard life, she didn't appear to be blessed. But Mary saw God's glory. She knew that somehow He was using her life to accomplish His divine plan. I'm humbled by this revelation. My life will be used by Jesus. I don't know how. I can't see the full picture, but no matter what I or my family goes through, God has a plan. His plan includes autism. And I'm OK with this now.
