Entitlement, Autism, & Mary

Sometimes I feel entitled. Sometimes I feel "jipped", that bad things shouldn't happen if I have enough faith. I used to be surrounded with people who believed if you had strong faith, you could pray away anything. If you were sick, you should rebuke it and pray or fast and it would be gone. Prayer and fasting is good, but the problem with this mentality is you feel guilty and inadequate when you can't pray something away. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism, there were those who told me I needed to be praying, fasting and rebuking. All of which I did. Salem is still autistic. I was devastated. I became bitter, jaded, and angry with God. Why God? What am I doing wrong? Do I have weak faith? Are you upset with me? I became depressed because I was under that mentality that if only my faith was strong enough, I could pray away her autism.
Slowly, painfully, I have come to realize that God LETS us go through things. He let's us suffer sicknesses, infertility, unemployment, suffer the loss of loved ones, etc. The strength of our faith isn't the cause. But our faith can be strengthen when we walk through those hard times and rely on God to get us through. Which brings me to Mary.
Mary, the mother of our savior. Mary was so young when she was called to carry and birth Jesus. And she wasn't married so she couldn't hide her pregnancy behind her marriage and hope people assumed she was having Joseph's son. Nope. People would have to either believe it was immaculate or assume she was a skank. How hard was that? Why didn't God wait til she was married? Then the birth. Why did God not make sure she could deliver in a more comfortable setting. Nope. Here's a barn. Have the savior of the world next to the horse stalls, among the stench of barn animals. And then as we see Jesus in his ministry, we see Mary without Joseph. It's assumed that he passed away. So as hard as this woman's life has been, she is now a widow?!?! What's up, God? Why was Mary given hardship after hardship, all the way up to seeing her baby brutally nailed to a cross and mocked! There goes my sense of entitlement. God's love and promise was enough for her. She couldn't save herself from hardship or tragedy. But God saved her soul. He called her blessed among women. Wow. She even called herself blessed!! From an outsider's point of view, looking at her hard life, she didn't appear to be blessed. But Mary saw God's glory. She knew that somehow He was using her life to accomplish His divine plan. I'm humbled by this revelation. My life will be used by Jesus. I don't know how. I can't see the full picture, but no matter what I or my family goes through, God has a plan. His plan includes autism. And I'm OK with this now.

Just got handed my new schedule!

I went to Salem's ABA therapy center to discuss her evaluation and our goals for her. She is behind on a lot of things. After discussing all the details of the therapy plan for her, I was handed a paper to sign. I stared blankly at the paper, pen in hand, trying to remember how to write my name. I dont know whether to cry or laugh at this. They want Say in ABA 10-20 hrs a week. After looking at her schedule, we could only fit in 17.5 hrs a week. With everything she is in already, it will be all therapies 20 hrs a week with speech and OT. And she also goes to Mother's Day Out.

My baby is going to bounce from one therapy location to the next, every day, 5 days a week. Rowyn, who's 5 months old, will be in the van for hours every day. How are we going to pull this off? Prayers please!

And though my 2 year old now very much has a full time job, I am still so thankful for so much. I am thankful for our insurance. I know people whose insurance won't cover ABA. It's such a shame. I am thankful that we have these services available in this area and I don't have to drive over 20 minutes to get to any of them. I've heard the horror stories there... We are so blessed. God is so good!

So this is going to be my own personal "wilderness", but I am believing this will be worth it all in the end. When my sweet girl is looking me in the eye, engaged in conversation, I won't look back on the hundreds of hours of therapy. I'll be too grateful for who she's become.

Please keep me and Salem (and Rowyn!) in your prayers that she will improve and progress and I will remain encouraged and patient.

My Biggest Struggle

I know I have talked mostly about Salem lately. But she demands so much of my attention that she is basically my main focus.

When a child falls down and cries, his mama's arms are comforting. When Salem falls and I try to hold her, she freaks out. I can't comfort my baby. I have cried and cried over this. It breaks my heart. She can be in pain and I don't know how to show her I am here for her.

I know it's not my fault, but it makes me feel like the world's worst parent. I miss when she was little and I could hold her close. When Chris and I want to cuddle her, we wait until she is asleep and sneak in her room and hold her in her bed. We even moved her onto a twin size mattress from her toddler bed just because it was hard for us to fit in her toddler bed- selfish, I know. Of all the struggles we have faced with Salem, this is the hardest emotionally for me.
*sigh*

Confession!!

I love seeing other children throw tantrums.... When I see a kid having a full blown meltdown in the middle of Target because Mom won't let him have a Snickers, I get the warm n' fuzzies. THANK GOD. I'm not the only one.

Salem is a beautiful child. She is vibrant, silly, and captivating. She is also really good at flipping out. I have walked out of the pediatrician's office because she would not leave another mom alone because she had on a necklace. Salem loves anything that dangles. She tries to take the pediatrician's stethoscope each visit. My husband and I have had to take turns eating at a resturant while out with friends. Salem was freaked out by being restrained by the high chair. I went in the van with her for 20 mins, then Chris took a turn in the van so I could go eat and visit with our friends... It's a blast. Really!

Today Salem wanted a boy's candy while leaving OT. She tried to take it from his hand and when she was told no, let out a high pitched shreek I thought might break that boy's glasses. The therapist tried to hold Salem to calm her down so I could finish paying. Ha ha ha!! My child will not let you HOLD her, silly person! She turned into a screaming noodle and went face down onto the floor where she continued to scream. And she doesn't talk yet, so you can just imagine all the frustration she is feeling.

I sometimes wonder if she feels trapped in her own little head. She does her best to tell me what she wants my grabbing my hand and leading me to things, but not everything can be requested this way. What if she wants me to sing to her, or cuddle with her? She can't really show me that. It really hurts to know she has some of her tantrums out of frustration. And most people, especially those with "normal" kids, totally don't get it. And people with no kids get it even less. I will probably flip out myself the next time I get dirty looks from someone when Salem starts screaming in a store. ASD doesn't announce itself when you look at a child. This is not something a person can just look at and call it out. I have had well meaning people tell me she should get a spanking... (I won't elaborate on my feelings toward those comments because they are ugly.) My daughter doesn't respond to spanking or timeout or distractions. It only makes her scream louder, kick harder, and take longer to calm down.

I'm frustrated, honestly. I thought parenting was going to be a lot easier than it is. And I have few people to talk about this to because the just don't understand. They think their kid has the same kind of tantrums. Hahaha! Ok. Whatever you say... I have met some mamas with kids on the spectrum, and they are like a breath of fresh air. "Wow! Your kid is obsessed with that too! Oh it's ok, girl, let him scream! i love it! We're going to be besties!"

So anyways, I love seeing other people's kids lose it. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in dealing with this >>>> D,X

First Post!

We close on the new house on Friday!! So excited! I will soon have so many projects to work on I will be in hog heaven :) There are several things I have all ready begun, but you'll find out later what they are.
To begin this new blog, this new undertaking, I would like to introduce my lovely daughter, Salem. She recently turned ONE.
Her birthday party was quite fun for me. I planned it all out for MONTHS ha! I spent way too much time online looking up theme ideas, cakes, etc...
I settled on "Candyland" for the theme. It was loosely based on the boardgame with more of a focus on bright colors and different types of candy in general. When it all came together, our cake table was every child's fantasy!

The "Salem" banner was made from left over scrapbooking paper :)

Cupcake tower!

Oreo Balls. MMMMMM!

Red Velvet Cookies!

The jars used were recycled jars from my G-ma :) Found the ribbon for super cheap at the dollar store, most of the decorations came from there.

A majority of the decorations were home made.

The pinata was made from tissue paper and paper mache. So much fun to do! Looking back on it now, I wish I had taken pictures of the full process.

I found a party hat print out online that I cut out and pasted over some discount party hats. Salem's hat got special treatment :)

My sister and I made pipe cleaner lolipops covered with saran wrap.

Her first party was a success!