Hugs and Holland

The tv is on. Salem is watching her favorite show, wearing her Mickey Mouse tie and all in one pjs. I see her smiling at the tv and I just want to scoop her up and hold her close...

I love that little girl. She is a sweet sweet little flower just beginning to bloom. We all stare in awe as she makes progress in speech, becomes more aware of herself and her surroundings. Our hearts soar each time a therapist tells us how wonderful she is doing. I AM THANKFUL.

And while I am thankful for who she is and all the wonderful progress she has made, I still have my moments. Moments where I wish she would let me hug her or come snuggle with me on the couch. I long for her to say "I love you, mommy." There was a time when these longings overwhelmed and consumed me for hours, mourning the loss of the vision I had for our relationship. Like the beautiful story I once read to describe this journey, I went on a trip, destination Italy, and landed in Holland only to discover I am never going to Italy. But as I mourn at the realization I will never see wonders of the coliseum or the Trevi Fountain, I begin to notice the loveliness of Holland and admire the beautiful windmills, full of strength. All my friends are in Italy. Sometimes I wish I was too. I still want to see Rome sometimes. But that doesn't mean I haven't fallen in love with Holland or appreciate it's uniqueness. It's different. It's not what I had planned. But there is beauty here too.

Just got handed my new schedule!

I went to Salem's ABA therapy center to discuss her evaluation and our goals for her. She is behind on a lot of things. After discussing all the details of the therapy plan for her, I was handed a paper to sign. I stared blankly at the paper, pen in hand, trying to remember how to write my name. I dont know whether to cry or laugh at this. They want Say in ABA 10-20 hrs a week. After looking at her schedule, we could only fit in 17.5 hrs a week. With everything she is in already, it will be all therapies 20 hrs a week with speech and OT. And she also goes to Mother's Day Out.

My baby is going to bounce from one therapy location to the next, every day, 5 days a week. Rowyn, who's 5 months old, will be in the van for hours every day. How are we going to pull this off? Prayers please!

And though my 2 year old now very much has a full time job, I am still so thankful for so much. I am thankful for our insurance. I know people whose insurance won't cover ABA. It's such a shame. I am thankful that we have these services available in this area and I don't have to drive over 20 minutes to get to any of them. I've heard the horror stories there... We are so blessed. God is so good!

So this is going to be my own personal "wilderness", but I am believing this will be worth it all in the end. When my sweet girl is looking me in the eye, engaged in conversation, I won't look back on the hundreds of hours of therapy. I'll be too grateful for who she's become.

Please keep me and Salem (and Rowyn!) in your prayers that she will improve and progress and I will remain encouraged and patient.

My Biggest Struggle

I know I have talked mostly about Salem lately. But she demands so much of my attention that she is basically my main focus.

When a child falls down and cries, his mama's arms are comforting. When Salem falls and I try to hold her, she freaks out. I can't comfort my baby. I have cried and cried over this. It breaks my heart. She can be in pain and I don't know how to show her I am here for her.

I know it's not my fault, but it makes me feel like the world's worst parent. I miss when she was little and I could hold her close. When Chris and I want to cuddle her, we wait until she is asleep and sneak in her room and hold her in her bed. We even moved her onto a twin size mattress from her toddler bed just because it was hard for us to fit in her toddler bed- selfish, I know. Of all the struggles we have faced with Salem, this is the hardest emotionally for me.
*sigh*

Confession!!

I love seeing other children throw tantrums.... When I see a kid having a full blown meltdown in the middle of Target because Mom won't let him have a Snickers, I get the warm n' fuzzies. THANK GOD. I'm not the only one.

Salem is a beautiful child. She is vibrant, silly, and captivating. She is also really good at flipping out. I have walked out of the pediatrician's office because she would not leave another mom alone because she had on a necklace. Salem loves anything that dangles. She tries to take the pediatrician's stethoscope each visit. My husband and I have had to take turns eating at a resturant while out with friends. Salem was freaked out by being restrained by the high chair. I went in the van with her for 20 mins, then Chris took a turn in the van so I could go eat and visit with our friends... It's a blast. Really!

Today Salem wanted a boy's candy while leaving OT. She tried to take it from his hand and when she was told no, let out a high pitched shreek I thought might break that boy's glasses. The therapist tried to hold Salem to calm her down so I could finish paying. Ha ha ha!! My child will not let you HOLD her, silly person! She turned into a screaming noodle and went face down onto the floor where she continued to scream. And she doesn't talk yet, so you can just imagine all the frustration she is feeling.

I sometimes wonder if she feels trapped in her own little head. She does her best to tell me what she wants my grabbing my hand and leading me to things, but not everything can be requested this way. What if she wants me to sing to her, or cuddle with her? She can't really show me that. It really hurts to know she has some of her tantrums out of frustration. And most people, especially those with "normal" kids, totally don't get it. And people with no kids get it even less. I will probably flip out myself the next time I get dirty looks from someone when Salem starts screaming in a store. ASD doesn't announce itself when you look at a child. This is not something a person can just look at and call it out. I have had well meaning people tell me she should get a spanking... (I won't elaborate on my feelings toward those comments because they are ugly.) My daughter doesn't respond to spanking or timeout or distractions. It only makes her scream louder, kick harder, and take longer to calm down.

I'm frustrated, honestly. I thought parenting was going to be a lot easier than it is. And I have few people to talk about this to because the just don't understand. They think their kid has the same kind of tantrums. Hahaha! Ok. Whatever you say... I have met some mamas with kids on the spectrum, and they are like a breath of fresh air. "Wow! Your kid is obsessed with that too! Oh it's ok, girl, let him scream! i love it! We're going to be besties!"

So anyways, I love seeing other people's kids lose it. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in dealing with this >>>> D,X

Super ugly, but huge Goodwill frame makeover!

I did a Pinterest project a while back.

Looked amazing for about a day then started to bubble and come unglued. How lame. I have since been trying to figure out how to frame the ginormous family picture (which btw is a cheap print on regular copy paper) without selling the kids to pay for a frame that size. I don't know if you know this, but frames with glass cost a lot. Lot's more than our shrinking budget allows.  So when I saw this fugly frame at GW, I was stoked.


My plan is to sand it down and repaint it. Not super innovative but I saved a ton of money since I already have the paint and a palm sander. And no one will ever know it was a POC frame to begin with. Unless of course, they saw this blog post. O.o

 I will report back when the makeover is complete :)

Salem

My sweet princess is making huge progress in the last 2 months. She started going to speech three times a week, occupational therapy (OT) three times a week, and we are soon to start behavioral therapy (ABA). She has been attempting to repeat more words, which is the most exciting thing since we realized she was humming songs. Watching her bloom is so beautiful and humbling. I am learning to enjoy my girls instead of constantly worrying about Salem's future... God's got this.
Currently I am attempting to convert half of my garage into a therapy area for Salem. My plans include a slide, platform swing and maybe a mini trampoline. This kid has so many areas dedicated to her. She has a play area in the living room, the back yard is all hers, she has a room, and our office is also her speech therapy room. I believe it will be worth it all when she first says "I love you too, Mommy!" :) I am waiting!!

Nerf Gun Makeover

So late on posting this, but here it is!

For Father's Day this year, I had a sneaky scheme. A month before Father's Day, I asked Chris to come with me to Walmart on a grocery trip and surprised him by telling him to pick out a Nerf gun. Of course he wanted two so I could play with him :) This is what he picked out.

The thing had an extra magazine so he can more effectively slaughter those who play with him. He even bought an extra pack of foam darts. It's the childhood he always wanted- at 23 :)

I let him have a good month to torture me and my sister with it before my fun, and the REAL Father's Day gift began.

Chris plays Warmachine and Warhammer so I had a brilliant plan to make his brightly colored Nerf gun into something that looked more like a life size weapon from his games.

First I took apart all the little attachments and used a black primer spray paint to prime the whole gun and magazine clips.

Then I used Rub N' Buff and an old artist brush to make the gun look like real metal and age it. The finished product turned out amazing!

I use gold, copper and silver Rub N Buff and different brushes for each color. I applied the Rub N Buff by dry brushing it onto the different section of the gun. I discovered that it looked better to apply a very small amount at a time and brush in different directions.

Chris was very please with his newly made-over Father's Day gift! His gaming buddies liked it too!